VIBGYOR

Is it coming together?

For a long time I had wondered what is my calling? Which industry would I like to work for?

As child there were a few I coveted. Becoming a doctor would be swell - I thought. Yet, my love hate relationship with biology and chemistry did not keep the balance quite right. I loved Biology and hated Chemistry - Uh! that does not really work in the Indian entrance exams. Actually if you think about Indian entrance exams you can avoid Maths or Biology but you cannot avoid Chemistry and Physics. Uh! So that turned out to be a flop exercise.

So I spend my teenage years reading medical encyclopaedia and trying to fathom diseases, finding out symptoms and trying them on the hypochondriac myself. When Google arrived in later years, I tried to find solutions and details on diseases for all through the internet. It was a hobby that I loved. If anyone gave me a medical encyclopaedia I could spend considerable time reading it. It was my alternate Linda Goodman.

Later in life, when moving out of IT after doing my MBA I thought "food" would be wonderful - a match between my interest and my career. Yet, it did not work out - in a FMCG environment they take time to recruit people. Pharma, was not one of my favourites infact I had even thought all my life that it is my last resort (you know my fear about chemistry...). So though an uncle made some inroads into Indian Pharma Industry and later my father and sister (who also hated Chemistry) went into the field I remained aloof.

Aerospace industry - now that would be a dream come true - since I was small I have been interested in flying, getting into flights and always wanted to become an airhostess (now if you can imagine a 4 feet 11 inches helping a 6 feet person to haul his heavy luggage into the overhead luggage compartment, then you are the ideal person to set up an airline and employ me). When I looked at the advertisement when Indian Airforce released their first ads for women to apply, at my 148 cms I was dismayed to see the height requirement - 162 cms it said. Somehow that number always stuck in my mind - (Never mind that all those physical tests as shown in Udaan would have been impossible for me to cross).

So here I am in Brussels working for an industry and for the last two years I had a love hate relationship not really being in touch with the real work of the company. My new function sees me in the evenings hooked to internet sites reading all possible medical information on diseases. Last 2 weeks have been filled with information on patients and best ways to treat them and how they feel. I know many people hate the Pharma companies. Yet, I feel like I am doing something that is second best if I could not become a doctor. I feel like I am helping somewhere and somehow.

When I read all the information now, it transports me to those brown pages of my grandfather's medical encyclopaedia. All those feelings surface back again... One more thing that has not changed - I still cannot react neutrally when I see the pictures of the diseases.

P.S: Let us see how long this euphoria lasts.

Darrell in Malory Towers

I was angry today. Really really really angry and it is a long long time since I became really so angry (I have not been even angry with Parmanu this much ever in my life). The issue is that I did not know why I got so angry.

I tried to reach an application in my area today and I could not reach it.

I heard this morning than an expected upgrade was actually supposed to take place today. I was surprised - Oh! Is it already today? - it was a topic that I handed over or thought I did. I checked to see whether the upgrade was completed and if not by when it would by completed. If it took time, there would need to be a message (that should have been put up but ok... somethings are missed out). Then I get the news that upgrade is completed but the application cannot be reached. I called to check whether any step had to be done to complete the process and I am told that no one is co-ordinating that activity. One says the other said everything was ok and the other says everything is ok and communicated - except the people who really need to do things do not know anything about it.

I think I was angry with myself for not having (micro???)-managed this. I thought I had handed it over but in transition times I feel now that you need to follow up even more closely to make sure activities are tied up. I was also angry because this could have been something completely smooth if correct people were kept informed correctly and in transition time I should have given that guidance. This is what happens when a control freak gives up control completely. She also interferes when there is no need to. However, I also have a fear of micro managing and so sometimes I end up not managing at all. Fear fear fear - how I hate that word.

This makes me wonder - really how much independence can you give to the people who you assign to handle the projects? Should you go through every detail and brainstorm all? We just discussed last week all the stakeholders for this project. Apparently this needs to be documented as well. I do not think I got all this documentation but then I lived - now I have to spend sometime making all such documents. Making documents is not my favourite activity.

On the other hand, my residence permit is back in order. I will have to go once again to get a new electronic card. This also gave me sometime to get back home earlier today. Using this opportunity, I called Belgacom. After listening to music for about 20 minutes for each call, I made about 6 calls before I repaired my TV connection and my wireless with information from the helpdesk. Each call was first routed to a Dutch operator who connected me to the English one and I got to listen to the "Hold" dialogue and music each time. Finally I am able to sit at my table, work, blog in between, check google for all Pharma related terminology and ways of the industry. So now I have my music system, my table, my wireless, my kettle to make tea (need to buy some camomille tea), my telephone...

This morning I had a discussion with my future boss:

"You will need to get the budget"

"Shall I use BPS?" (BPS is a software where budgets are stored).

"No. We do not use BPS - we just ask the controllers". - Oh! Does that not sound good? I no longer need to run to any system but to people. We smiled at each other - he knowing that he will have to remind me not to be system oriented, me because I will not be responsible for the problems in the system.

At the end of it all I call my mother as I am used to every evening. I could not reach her and I called my sister. She says "Did you hear the news?".

"No... tell me quickly" - waiting for the next latest emotional sensations of relatives saga.

"You did not hear?" - she says with her penchance for increasing the suspense.

"Of course not... I could not reach Amma". (I call my mother Amma as do other Indians in different Indian languages).

"Well... she broke her hand and shoulders" - talk about breaking bad news gradually.

Now I am agonising over whether to go over for a week or so to help - at this transition time can I take the time off to do so? I called my mother and she seems to be cheerful - but I know her well - she will be so to keep me calm. She calmly tells me that she might need a surgery but everyone has surgery after a fall you know... "I spoke to ***** - she had a surgery when she broke her ankle the other day. I spoke to &&&&& and she also broke her shoulder - it was a minor surgery - now she is running around. I think about you with your hand in cast and no one to help". - well, I did not have 3 people I had to look after either.

So what is an upgrade in comparison to the health and well being of everyone around?

I will end with the question from my nephew to my mother - locking the front door after my mother so that she does not have stretch "Will you be all right in time for my birthday?".

Ghosts of years

Last two days have been extremely interesting. Yesterday we went to visit a vendor for a service and today was our company's meeting for discussing the next steps.

The Vendor we visited yesterday provides services we would be interested in for my current main project. The structure seemed to be lean with them working with different partners - especially for the service we were seeking. After a corporate presentation, and an interesting discussion with the head of Belgian affiliate, we were handed over to the partner who would take care of the main activities we were interested in. We drove to their premises.

It was a small office of about 100 sqm with a few people doing the type of work we were interested in. The company had few employees on the premises and a fleet to take care of the logistics. It was a typical small sized company with all people working together in the same room. The activities were mechanical in combination with some checks on software which needed to be done manually. The facilities were minimally furnished, tracking seemed to be more manual and visual. I loved the traditional feeling and the camaraderie in the room.

It reminded me of an interview I had had with a company which produced the joints for bridges. Though it did not end satisfactorily since I could not afford their package after a heavy loan for my MBA, I think I would have liked to work in such a small company were everyone knew everyone else and worked together sharing the jobs without strict boundaries on who will do what. Their sister company with whom I had an interview also, was another company I would have liked to work for - I did not think I would fit in with the culture portrayed by the CEO when I spoke to him (he surely wanted commitment from me that I would not have a baby and there was no way I would give that commitment and left it vague). Nevertheless, it was a small establishment where I could have gotten to know all. His secretary and I did get along in the first meeting and she was happy I could speak rudimentary German.

When I returned from the vendor, I wondered what it was about small companies that appealed to me. I had watched my father supporting small companies in his several capacities, as the branch manager of the branch specializing in small scale industries and as branch manager in different branches or as a Rotary Club President, and we were there quite often to see him distribute either equipment or assistance. Sometimes they visited these companies and there were many pictures all around the house of different such companies. There was a family feeling or environment in these companies and perhaps this impression remained in my mind.

Nevertheless, it also generated a feeling of wanting to either work in a small company or start a company of my own.
 
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Today, I went to the company presentation for the first time since I joined this company. I will move to a new job in the company in two weeks time and have already started contributing slowly to this one. Thanks to the reading I have been doing for this, I was able to follow the day much better and relate much better. It was also a good exercise to see the way the employees related to what was presented. I must say that compared to my previous company, there is a much higher cynicism in this company.

Interestingly at the same time my previous company was also in employee meeting. I could not help comparing how different things were in the two companies and yet, in some ways there were parallels. When I came back home, I listened to the press conference of my erstwhile employer and relived those days when all employees were addressed at the same time. Though a smaller company, my current one surely has a different way of addressing employees.

I am glad I have my new job here to look forward to - perhaps I can slowly get over the grip the erstwhile employer has over me and my fond memories of the place as I can now think of making small differences in the way things are done. While I thought perhaps my future might be impacted by today, it was impacted in ways I had not expected. Perhaps it is a sign about some decisions I have been postponing.  I do not know what I hoped for - but now it is time to move forward.

Letting go

I have a really big issue with letting go. There is one project in my area I have not put my head into for a few months. Last few days the team has had few issues many of which I did not know about until the time had passed - no matter - it is too technical and I would not know how to solve them. Yet, when I hear after the issue that they worked late and during weekends, I feel bad that I am not there atleast to support in some sort of way. Even being available would be good I thought just in case.

Yet, everytime I asked, I was told that if any help is required, they would let me know. Today, after asking for the tenth time and being told "if we need you we will give a call", I was really not sure whether I was being annoying or not. Perhaps at this juncture it is better to leave them alone to resolve the issues instead of being a pain by calling all the time. Perhaps it was better to go there. After a lot of dilemma, I am still undecided and that always kills me. I thought I decided not to disturb them, yet, knowing these people I know that even if some help is required it will first be resolved with available people and only if there is a real crunch extra ones will be called on. After all, what can I help not being aware of things?

So what is bothering me? This is exactly the part of my boss's character that I found annoying - and finally I do the same. I am annoyed like crazy - with myself, with the situation, with not having been involved in that project (inspite of it having been more interesting that the other ones I had been doing) and I can see it is spoiling my weekend. One cannot roll back the last few months - one just has to live with the consequences of the past actions. I can imagine the team is wondering - she has not been involved in this at all during the project why does she want to get involved now? All I really wanted was to help and I should just accept that I really cannot help. No help is needed. Everyone is screaming that in every word they say - so just accept it and have a good weekend so that on Monday, in the new job I am well prepared.

It is quite sometime since I had a lousy weekend. I just need to muster enough will power and concentrate on what I should be doing - preparing for my new job.

Effects of Kramer vs Kramer

This evening saw me sniffing with tears flowing down my face. No, the sniffing had nothing to do with the really bad flu which kept me in bed for the larger part of the last 3 days. We had just watched Kramer Vs Kramer. This tear jerker that starts slowly initially had me squirming in my seat. Where is this one going? - an impatient movie watcher I longed to open the laptop next to me and peep into the Google space to find the synopsis. Parmanu kept me away for sometime and kept the suspense up. Yet, it was just before the case came up in court that I looked into the synopsis. Inspite of me knowing the end, the movie managed to squeeze out the tears from my eyes.

 

 

I was wondering about the effect the film had on me. Perhaps it was the effect of seeing a lot of separated people with children nowadays. I spent 2 weeks with my nephew and I know the challenges and efforts of a single parent when the other one is completely absent. I could sympathise with Dustin Hoffman's struggles as he fit into the role of a single parent after being an absent father. Perhaps the remorse of having been an absent father and an unlistening/unaware husband made him try even harder to be there. It also made the paradox of single parents stand out much more - you are the only one to earn for the family - and you are the only one there to support the family through all travails. For this sometimes you had to put your dreams aside.

 

As much of a feminist as I am, I could not understand how anyone who could abandon a child for 1.5 years could claim him back without any thought to the effect on the child in ripping him apart from familiar situations again and from the new trust that he would have built up. I think it goes without saying that it applies for fathers as well as mothers. Unless there is a very harmful reason for the child it is not a reason to take him away from the environment that he is comfortable in. Anything else is selfish.

 

No doubt these are all very oft repeated statements about this film.

 

At this stage it is also something quite close to what I am thinking about. I had for the last few weeks thought long and hard - work or work-life balance? I was leaning towards work-life balance and had found new interests to pursue and new areas to explore. Suddenly there are some new opportunities knocking on the door. Rumour mills say this is going to be one that requires forgetting work-life balance - yet, it promises to be a huge learning curve - a sure way to notch myself up and iron out a few quirks in my working character. The way research has been done about me and the support promised to coach my quirks out indicates that there is an interest in the side of the person offering this to challenge me in an even more positive way.

 

 

"When Joanna returns with her own lucrative job and the intent to take custody of Billy, Ted finds employment that won't interfere with his paternal duties. "

 

So the question now - do I complete what I set out to do? - Should I jump into this opportunity to check out for one last time whether staying away is worth it? Perhaps like Ted Kramer, I will find out in time a work that will not interfere with duty to oneself. Perhaps this is one opportunity that will help me find a way to work and yet do what I need to do for myself.

What is it?

"Work is either fun or drudgery. It depends on your attitude."

--Colleen C. Barrett,
president emeritus of Southwest Airlines

Signs?

Yesterday and today were another of "those days"... I was driving back from work again defeated and dejected and all alone - lonely with no one I could talk to, listening to some songs which again showed me a "vulnerable" part of me showing I was not yet immune to many things. Suddenly in between all the french lyrics came floating out

Je pars, je ne reviendrai jamais
Bientôt le monde m’aura oublié tu sais…
Que j’aille…
Tu vois…

......

Je partirai et je garderai que des restes de toi
Souviens-toi encore quelques fois de moi…
Mais ne leur pardonne pas

Get me out of this place
Get me out of this town

Funny that these seem to be the words that came floating out. Do I believe in signs? I have to decide.

Then today I was reading the MBA Diary from IMD and there came echoes again.

"I have even started to question everything I have achieved so far this year. What has it brought me? What have I learnt? How different am I? Do I really know myself any better? If the aim was to suffer, I am sure I could have found cheaper ways. "

How many more signs do I need before I take the hint? Is it all a question of interpretation? Sometimes I also need to have the courage to move on.

Team work

Yesterday if I was complaining about work, it was different this evening. Getting into a rhythm of work in spite of all that goes on and around helps a lot. It also helps to work very closely with a good friend and colleague and to keep her company all evening until now. A productive evening, filled with team spirit fills me with motivation. I remember that my most motivating moments at work always came when I worked closely with someone and in tandem. Nice! I am still negative and yet to get back my complete positive feeling towards others - I think I can continue to get work on getting that part of me back.

Some more pains

I hate taking credit that belongs to someone else... or should be shared with someone else. It happened when I read the mail that was sent out and it did not have a name. The joy of having completed that one successfully was incomplete like an emptiness when it was not shared with the person who should have actually got the accolades.

I finally lost my patience with someone today. I spent considerable precious time on him and after sometime it almost seemed like I was begging, I pleaded and things got worse.

Was I learning my lesson not to do so? No... The whole problem was that I thought I was making the situation better but that was not the case. After 5 days he said nothing can change - his mind was made up. "Will you release me?" was his question. When he asked this I realized - this was not the first time I had heard this. In many ways there was yet another person telling me the same but not saying it.

For a "supposedly" people person - whose whole life was built up being a people person - two people with the same message were two too many to handle the situation. Bluntly and blankly I stared at him - slowly, like a wounded tiger, I put forth my conditions and pulled back the earlier commitments like pulling the carpet from under the feet of someone. Tomorrow I have to inform my boss about this turn of events ensuring all the time that I am not cutting any other option out for him.

Someone told me yesterday "Be selfish for once, Colours - think about yourself - I told you so long back" ending with - if you were going to do something there were dangers associated with it and you denied all that was happening. So the lesson of the day - if you deny you prevent yourself from taking any actions.

 

I love birds chirping outside as the sun is setting.

I love to see people put out their balcony chairs and tables and setting the table for dinner.

I love planning holidays at destinations that cost 22000 Pounds for a week.

I love reading about dinner at Japanese restaurants costing 500 Pounds for a meal for one.

Reaction to asking questions

My role is in the IT and I am SUPPOSEDLY the applications owner. Today I was asking questions about the roles and authorizations that are planned to be given to different people in one of the departments I am SUPPOSEDLY the system owner for. After asking three questions, I was told "IT does not decide these matters - it is a business decision" and this from someone who worked in IT in the past.

Was it the way I was asking the question? Or am I not supposed to question - what is my role as applications owner - just receive? Considering it is not the first time something like this has happened perhaps it is time to put the fish on the table - however considering how often I am having to put fish on the table, the fish will start to rot on the table because it cannot be cleared anymore.

I was discussing with Heidi yesterday about how things have turned around for me - people I work with was a very important criteria for me when I chose the company - the perceived atmosphere and the perception about the colleagues too. It was one of the reasons I was very sad about leaving my group behind in my previous company. It is one of the reasons I always try to prolong my visits to Germany by a day to visit my ex-colleagues. Everyone knows about me and my very fluffy feeling for wanting to be in harmony (strangely does this name mean anything anymore?) with everyone. I had just begun to challenge that and start asking questions - it would be the easiest thing to keep quiet and accept all but am I like that anymore - haven't I made enough mistakes keeping quiet?

I must say I had a very nice year in this company and with my colleagues until the beginning of this year. There are quite a few of them I used to love working with. It has been quite a downhill since then. Can I say that the job is bad or the company is not the right one for me? Can a basket of flowers turn bad just because of one thorn? Or can the flowers become rotten because of the prick of the thorn? How much more of a chance should I give this one? How much more do I want to tolerate in the name of hope when the poison starts spreading all over?